That Snap Crackle Pop  in the morning ... ain't my freaking Rice Krispies.

I was at the Beauty Shop for nearly two hours.  That was only for the estimate.

Quit worrying about your health.  ... It'll go away.

When I was younger, all I wanted was a nice BMW.  Now, I don't care about the W.

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. 

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"  She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.  Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.  I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.  Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent! possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following m essage on our front door:To All  Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here.  You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they! call i t "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal.  To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3 Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called

5. Never ask to drive the car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.