Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year 
old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored 
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire 
pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief windo w of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.  My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore 
and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by 
check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom
you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Plea se find attached an Application Contact
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank kn ows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies
of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER D IALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to se e me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To tra nsfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.> >>
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7 To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer 
is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on
occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music w ill play for the
duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again followin g your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosp erous New Year?
Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE
"US SENIORS" !!!!!

And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the
first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off.